Saturday, February 8, 2020

My Alzheimer's Journal #27

"On this day (Feb. 8th) in 1887, the Dawes Act was approved by the United States Congress, dividing Native American Reservation lands into separate properties to be owned and maintained by individuals. Tribes were to be dissolved and Native Americans were expected to assimilate into white American culture. Most of the land granted to Native Americans was desert, unable to sustain Agriculture." - From today's reading in Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals.
As a result of the deplorable conditions on their reservations, many of them left their reservations and moved to large American cities, and just like Italian, Irish, German, and East European immigrants, they tended to gather together in neighborhoods. One such neighborhood with a large Native American population was Cleveland, Ohio's near west side. When I was a community organizer in Cleveland during the late 1960s I met several of them.
Most of the men were veterans, not because they were patriotic, but because racism made it difficult for them to find jobs. Most I met were Catholics. I can't remember the name of the church, but Father Bob Begin was their priest. He was a leader in the Catholic Peace Movement and was a friend and drinking buddy of mine. Occasionally we went bar hopping together, Father Bob and his friend Father Bernie Myers knew where all the bars owned by Catholics were located. I would sit between them and often the bartender would assume I must be a seminarian and would give all three of us free drinks.
The headquarters for the Catholic Peace Movement at the time was the Thomas Merton Community House, also located on Cleaveland's near west side. One of the Native American Vietnam War veterans who had not been able to find a job lived with his wife in the house. They had turned the attic into an apartment. He and his wife were the caretakers of the building. I don't remember their names, but I do remember she was a fantastic cook. I also remember a poster on the wall in the house that said, "Fighting for peace is like f**king for chastity." The Quakers in Cleveland were also very active in the antiwar movement but the Magnolia Friends Meeting House in University Circle where I usually worshipped would never have allowed a poster like that in their meeting house. However, they always had flyers in their vestibule titled, "How to respond to questions from the FBI."
Alzheimer's is so weird. Especially at the beginning. I know the day is coming when I won't remember anything. But right now is just seems so strange that I can remember all of the things from many years ago thatI've mentioned above, but I can never remember what day it is when I wake up in the morning. Most mornings I have to ask Connie what our plans are for the day because I can't remember what she told me the day before. And quite often when we are driving somewhere I have to ask her to remind me where we are going. Nevertheless, I'm thankful for the memories I still have and I thank God he brought Connie, my reminder-in-chief, into my life.
Oh my! I can't believe how long this post is. If you've read all the way to here you're obviously goofing off or procrastinating when you should have been doing something much more important. Sorry about that. Now get back to something more important than my rambling.

Monday, November 18, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #25

It's getting harder and harder for me to speak and write. Writing is easier than talking, but even here I sometimes spend 30 minutes or more just straining for the mot juste to complete a thought. In fact, I just did that here.

Sunday, November 17, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #24

For the past several years I have felt hot even when everyone else in the room feels cold. My doctor says it's because my MS plaques have messed up my hypothalamus. For most of my life, I have awoken between 4:30 and 5:30 a.m. without the aid of an alarm clock. But for the last week or so I've slept until 6:30 or 7:00 a.m. I don't know if that has something to do with my MS or my Alzheimer's. I do know that I don't like it. I feel like I've wasted the morning away. And even with the extra sleep, I still feel tired all the time. 

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #23

Alzheimer's is so weird. When I wake in the morning I have no idea what day it is and I have to look at my cell phone or ask Connie to find out. And I hardly ever remember what events or activities are scheduled for that day. But the slightest little thing can spark a long-ago memory.

Just yesterday when I grabbed my towel as I was getting out of the shower I had a flashback to when I was a kid. Mom and Dad took us to the pool to go swimming. They both had beach towels but my brother and I used old bath towels. During the rest period, when the lifeguards made everyone get out of the pool for15 minutes, Mom noticed that my toes were over the end of my towel and she exclaimed that I was getting so big I would need my own beach towel. I was thrilled to hear that. I felt so grown up. And I couldn't wait to lord it over my brother that I had a real beach towel and he was still using a "baby" towel. Unfortunately for my devious plans, our mother felt compelled to buy each of us a beach towel. I never really understood why my parents felt the need to make more babies when they had achieved perfection the first time. Lol.

Anyway, I'm kind of thrilled that today I can remember an epiphany from yesterday.

Sunday, November 3, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #22

“The return from your work must be the satisfaction which that work brings you and the world's need of that work. With this, life is heaven, or as near heaven as you can get. Without this — with work which you despise, which bores you, and which the world does not need — this life is hell.”
― W.E.B. Du Bois

My "retirement" jobs were preaching for pastors who were out of town and officiating weddings for the God Squad. Both brought me a lot of satisfaction, even joy. Now that I'm no longer able to do either, I feel "jobless." And that too is a kind of hell. Who am I now? What am I?

Friday, November 1, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #20

I asked Connie if my constantly asking her questions like, "Where are we going," or "What are we doing today," when she has already told me several times is annoying or frustrating to her. She admitted that it was. That makes me sad. Truly, I would much rather God take me sooner than to be an exasperation to Connie as long as Mom was to Dad with her Alzheimer's.  

Thursday, October 31, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #19

I preached my final sermon at St. Luke this past Sunday. It feels really weird not to be working on an upcoming sermon. Even though I'm retired I still preached about a dozen times a year at St. Luke and Epiphany Lutheran churches. Most people at St. Luke call me Pastor Paul. I guess now I'm just Paul. And that feels like I've lost something. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #18

It is becoming increasingly hard for me to write a sermon. This past Sunday I preached my second to last sermon. Next Sunday will be the last. Last month, when I realized I needed to stop preaching and stop officiating weddings, I felt very sad. But after messing up the liturgy several times Sunday and stumbling over words a few times during the sermon, I told Connie after the service that though I was sad I can no longer preach, I was glad that this Sunday would be my last preaching assignment. My ego makes me want to lead a flawless worship experience and knowing that is not likely to happen is very stress-inducing.

People have been very kind and understanding and everyone who spoke to me after Sunday's service seemed to have been challenged by my message, but it took so long to pull it together. I finally had to resort to words I found in other pastors' sermons on the internet.

That's all for today.



Saturday, September 28, 2019

My Alzheimer's Journal #17

It's been a good week. We got to spend real quality time with all nine of the grandchildren who live here in the Mid-South. Yesterday we went to Grandparent's Day at the Delta School in Wilson, Arkansas. We had a wonderful time and, except for the fact that I can't drive anymore, I hardly thought about my Alzheimer's at all.